I've been under a lot of stress lately, regarding a job I applied for at my local library.  This is the job I've known I want, since the moment I started working at this SAME library 6 years ago as a page.  I've since moved to a Page position at the larger, main library branch in Fairbanks, a half-hour away.  But, my intention has always been to eventually obtain a position as a Library Assistant out here at my local branch of our public library.  Besides being convenient to my home (a quick walk, winter & summer), this is the town my hubby & I grew up in, and where we are now raising our daughter.  My dream is to be a contributing part of this community, to be one of the town librarians for the town I grew up in.

I'll try to make a long story short.  I did NOT get the position, and it was devestating.  Not heart-breaking, because my heart is STILL set on that job, and I'm more determined than ever that I WILL work as a Lib. Assistant in that library someday, but definitely devestating.  One of my 3 professional references was this library's head librarian herself, and she said previously that she didn't feel conflicted about me using her as a reference for this job.  I DID NOT put my current supervisor down as a reference, because I've always gotten the vibe from her that she just doesn't like me, and we seem to knock heads.  She's chastized me in the past for not shelving books more quickly than I do, and for being what she feels is lazy.  I don't see this as laziness, I see it as thoroughness.  Even though it takes me longer than her 1-hour-maximum limit to shelve a cart of non-fiction books, when I leave the shelves, they are all faced out neatly & straightened & shelf-read as well.  I've NEVER been a "Fast & Nasty" shelver.  I feel it's indecent to leave the shelves looking sloppy, unless we are overrun by books in the workroom (at which point I'll suspend my thoroughness for the duration of the time it takes to get the organizational shelves in the back workroom emptied).  But, needless to say she & I have never really seen eye to eye, and therefore I am polite & civil as is befitting an employee with a boss.  Again, though, I DID NOT put her on my recent application as a professional reference because of this.

When I got an interview, my interviewer/potential-boss informed me that she'd be calling references.  I was unaware that she intended to use my current supervisor as ONE of my references (as well as herself, disregarding my supervisor from my sales-girl days, or my supervisor at my volunteer position at the local Elem. school library, who were the other 2 prof. references I had listed).  When she called my current supervisor, my supervisor said things to the interviewer to indicate that my supervisor thinks my work ethic sucks, I am immature, lack initiative, and talk too much on the job.  (That last is a decent possibility, but I am by NO MEANS the most talkative of even my direct coworkers.  And yet that hasn't held my supervisor back from giving my coworkers reports glowing enough to allow them to get new positions.)  Suffice it to say, one of the primary reasons I got turned down for this Lib. Assist. position is that my boss gave me a scathing review to an interviewer without my knowledge.

That hurt.  A lot!  More than simply getting turned down for the job.  And, of course, it resulted in a lot of anger & the beginnings of some bitterness that would NOT be a good thing to take with me to confront my boss about how I can best change my workhabits to show that I AM mature & responsible enough to handle such a job as this Lib. Assist. position I want so badly.  (Never mind that my initiative should be evident in the way I actively sought & am working at a volunteer library assist. position at the local Elem. school to gain Lib. Assist. experience, and the fact that I taught myself how to use MS Word & Publisher in order to be able to perform duties using these programs that are essential to the Lib. Assist position I was applying for.)

So, yesterday (Thursday) I woke feeling literally grimy & caked in anger & bitterness from hearing the review of my job performance that was given to the interviewer.  And one thing I do when I start to feel extremely stressed & conflicted is to get out my Goddess Guidance Oracle cards and do a reading. It has been helpful in the past to bring out things I hadn't thought of and to break through some of the conflicting mental conversations I have with myself. 

Yesterday, after another rough night thinking so much about how badly it hurt, hearing my work ethics & my character called into question, I knew I needed some guidance & wisdom, and where else better to seek it than from the divine. So, that's just what I did. I took a shower & literally cleansed myself of the mental grime & anger that I'd been feeling for the last several days, then I lit a candle, had a couple of moments of prayer, and sat down on the bed with my Goddess Guidance cards with the intention of seeking wisdom & strength regarding the turmoil I was in now following my discussion with Ingrid. It was actually quite an astonishing "reading". It brought up the larger issue that I've been feeling, that I needed to get this job NOW to help to ensure our family's financial stability against the coming recession/depression. 

The first card I drew was Artemis: The Guardian. Her message is "You are Safe and Spiritually Protected. Your Future is safe & secure. Your needs are now, and will continue to be, met. This reminded me that I'm NOT alone, that I DO have divine protection & wisdom. 

The second card was Lakshmi: A Bright Future. Her message is to stop worrying, everything will be fine. I will be protected & provided for. Hold positive thoughts & intensions. Once again, I'm safe, I've got a bright future, and stop worrying over everything.

The third (and final card) was Eireen: Peace. Her message is "There is no need to worry as everything is working out beautifully. Give your cares & worries to Heaven. Pray & Meditate & engage in peace-enhancing activities.

I don't think this solid message of "Don't worry" doesn't mean not to prepare for a recession, but stop letting that worry rule my life.  START seeing the good in every day.  Start seeing the sun rises (when I'm up that early) and sunsets every day (or, as often as the sky is not ACTUALLY too cloudy to see).  To enjoy things without being so concerned for the future.  I have the Divine backing me up, giving me strength, wisdom, guidance, peace and protection.  With THAT, there is NO storm that cannot be weathered, there are NO words that can stop me permanently, there is no person who can stand in my way indefinitely.  If I give the divine a chance to show her Peace through me, to work for my benefit, and to guard my interests, there is NOTHING I cannot accomplish, and with grace & wisdom & a lighter heart in the doing.

It was amazing going into this reading, not really knowing what to expect, and to get 3 cards with such similar, to the point, messages.  It really struck at me that while I've been stressing outwardly about the job, my emotions & peace of mind have taken a beating over the last several months (and even into the last couple of years) over the thought of what our country is facing in the future.  I still think it is wise to be prepared, and I will not cease in my preparations, but it really feels good to get that reminder that even when I feel alone in the physical, I'm not alone at all in the spiritual.  When I feel scared of what may come, I need only remember that I am protected and loved.  When finding room & money for more stock in my house starts to take over, I should go out & sit on the deck & look at the stars, or the flowers (depending on the season) and just let myself BE for a little bit.

I'm now giving myself the weekend to process how to talk to my boss without anger and with an open mind & heart.  But I am even moreso determined that I WILL be in that Library Assistant position.  And I've always strongly felt that this position is where I am MEANT to be.  I am MEANT to be a strong part of my community in the capacity of helping my fellow town-members find materials AND in the sense of being a priestess of the written word & caring for the books that would fall under my guardianship.

But, I certainly am not letting myself be beat down.  What obstacles have been put in my path thus far have only strengthened my resolve & spirit to climb ever higher to get over them.

I just wanted to share, after being absent for so very long.

Have a Blessed Day!!!

We've been so busy over the last couple of months that I think it was almost a month ago, last time I logged on here.

Tay got restricted from trick-or-treating this year (lack of respect for the hubby and I resulting in a loss of the priviledge of going out in costume to beg for candy, ironically started by her refusal to brush her teeth), so I didn't have the occasion to do more than say a quick prayer for the souls of those that have gone on before me.  Though one of my uncle's died on Oct. 30th, so that made for some deep thinking on the subject of death, and an interesting conversation with my middle sis on the impact family leaves on one's life, when one has only vague contact with that fmaily.

Other than that, it's been work, and hockey, and lots of cooking.  LOL  Dad has come over for supper on Saturdays, a few times, which generally means a frenzy of cleaning school papers off the couch & table, and making sure there's more than 2 spots to sit in the living room.  *grin*

I'm also hosting Thanksgiving on Thursday.  I have wednesday off work, so I can get the house tidied up a bit, I hope.

I've only heard from my baby sis once since she moved to Washington state.  They decided NOT to go to Spokane, and instead have "settled" in Longview down on the Washington/Oregon border.  Kind of a stupid move as it meant they didn't have family to help them out while they searched for jobs & an apartment.  Anyway, the one time my sis called to chat was to brag that they'd gotten a kitten.  They didn't even have an apartment yet (I'm still not sure if they do!), my Sis had only just gotten a job but wasn't set to start till the next Wednesday, and they didn't even have my niece in a day-care.  *shaking head*  From what little she posts on her myspace acct, I'm guessing things are not going too hot for them.  Also rather comical (in an agrivating sort of way) was the response of my brother-in-law to the news that my sister would be making 15 cents more per hour at her new job than he was at his.  He got all snippy and started griping that she should be making less than him because he does more work than she does.  Nevermind that the job he obtained was totally unsolicited (by him) as a basic mechanic at the Uhaul place when he went in to return the trailer they'd rented.  (He's making $8 an hour to change the oil & tires on Uhaul vehicals as they come back in.  The manager at the place ASKED my brother-in-law if he was looking for a job, not the BIL asking if the Uhaul place had any openings.  My Sis got a job as a sales-girl at Macy's making $8.15.)

My Sister-in-law (the hubby's only sibling) is pregnant again.  If this one goes to term, she'll have 3 children.  And she barely bothers taking care of the two boys she's got now.  She and my Mother-in-law are praying like mad for a girl so that my mother in law will "have a little girl to spoil" (that's a direct quote!).  Never mind the fact that Tay IS my mother-in-law's biological granddaughter.  It's just not good enough, the fact that Tay was born through her Son instead of her daughter.  *shaking head*  (And, just after my older nephew was born, my Sister-in-law commented to her mom & dad that they didn't need to bother with Tay anymore now that the SIL had given them a grand-son.  My father-in-law did NOT take kindly to his daughter saying that about her brother's child.  My mother-in-law just treated it like a joke, even though my sis-in-law has made it perfectly clear that she was perfectly serious.)  Needless to say, I'm praying that IF this pregnancy goes to term, my Sis-in-law has another boy.  On the other hand, considering what a crappy mom my Sis-in-law is to the two kids she's got, I'm praying for a miscarriage.  (Also, for the record, this is my Sis-in-law's 8th "pregnancy" since I've known her.  And she had at least 2 more before I met my hubby.  The father of this newest pregnancy is NOT the father of her older two children.  Some of her pregnancies have almost certainly been faked in lame attempts to keep the "fathers" from breaking up with her.  Her first -before I met the hubby- was an abortion as she was only 15 years old.  And ONE of her previous has been a definite mis-carriage.  2 have resulted in live-births, my nephews.)

Other than that, I've had my moments lately where I'm tempted to quit my job and become a SAHM again, even though I know I'd hate being a SAHM again.  My boss has made it clear that she doesn't like me (though, considering I do everything in my power to be a good, nice person at work, I don't know what I did to piss her off).  Well, the feeling is really mutual because she's made it clear that she has no professional respect for us pages, not just neglecting to tell us important information that'll affect our ability to do our jobs, but actually purposefully refusing to give us the information.  And when one coworker took it upon herself to spread an important piece of info because she knew that our boss hadn't bothered to say anything, she got chewed out for daring to do so.  *sigh*  Anyway, if it wasn't for the fact that my job provides our family's insurance, I'd quit & either be a SAHM or take a job closer to home again.  With fuel prices being what they are, it's almost to the point where I'm not making enough to keep working, anyway.  Esp. when you factor in child-care for DD.  *sigh*  But I do love doing library work too much to quit.

Ok.  I think that's it.  Hope all my friends are doing good, and I'm sorry it's been so long since I've been around to say hi!

Have a Blessed Day!

So, my baby sister got married a couple of weeks ago to a guy she'd known less than 3 months, and she only agreed to date him once she found out he has family in the same small town my mom's from (and where most of her family still lives).  Tomorrow morning, my baby sis & her new hubby & her daughter (by an old ex) will be hitting the road, driving the Alcan to Spokane Washington.  And all I can think is "THANK THE GODS!!!!!"

I'm kinda suprised at how incredibly happy I am to see her exit my life.  Then I start wondering WHY I'm suprised, considering she's always been such a narcisistic brat, frequently getting my other sis & myself in trouble just so she could have her own way.  And even just in the last couple of weeks, she didn't even bother to CALL (from the SAME TOWN I live in) to wish my daughter happy birthday.  Today when she called, it was simply to tell me her good news that she's leaving town, and to ask for our Mom's Banana Bread recipe.  No "Oh, let me talk to Tay, I wanna wish her a belated happy birthday".  Instead, when I brought up the fact that she'd forgotten she responded with "oh, I remembered, but I was too busy."  *shaking head*  Don't tell me that in the week & a half since DD's birthday she couldn't have found 5 minutes to call & wish my daughter a happy birthday.  Or even left a message.  I'm not grumping about no gift because that's just money, but a birthday wish????  That's selfishness.  And that's only a small part of the reason I'm happy she's leaving town.  And I'm pretty sure that I won't hear from her more than once a year, IF THAT, when she DOES get out of town.  And I'm not heartbroken at all.

Does this strike anybody else as kinda wrong that I'm NOT a little sorry to see my sister go???  Even just a bit????  I cry every time my middle sis leaves for Tucson after coming home for Christmas.  But my baby sis......  Just happy that she's leaving.  And is not even being happy that she's finally getting what she's always wanted (to get the heck out of Fairbanks) just simply, happy that she's gone.  *shrug*

Oh well.  Whatever.  I can't really share this on my regular blog because my Mom & middle sis read there, and though I know my middle sis would understand (if not completely agree), my Mom would be hurt.

Ok.  Gotta go help the hubby move our old washer & drier out to the deck, and move our new ones in.  (The old drier takes 3 cycles to completely dry ANY load of clothes, and the washer's aggitator is so worn down that it "bounces" the clothes, instead of tumbling them.  LOL)

 Blessings

So, DD's class is reading _Riding Freedom_ by Pam Munoz Ryan, and they have been assigned a project to do at home. The basic: create a model of something mentioned in the book. From what little DD is telling me, it's about a woman named Charlotte Parkhurst who disguised herself as a man & became a renowned stage-coach-driver, had some part in the California goldrush, and became the first woman to vote in a US presidential election, long before women were granted the vote.

Anyway, I'll be checking this book out for myself from the library tomorrow, so I can read it and get some idea of the things DD may be able to make a model of. I've also got a couple of books to look up at work with western & wagon-train inspired crafts that may provide the inspiration. In the mean-time, I'm sending out a call for help to my friends. If you've got any suggestions for a fairly easy project, (or better, if you've read this book and know of something we could do), I'd really appreciate hearing them.

Neither the hubby nor I have ever really had to make a model of something ourselves, so we're kinda in over our heads on this. But, being fairly crafty otherwise, I'm sure DD and I can knock something out. As I said, I just wanna pick everybody's brain a little bit & see what maybe y'all can come up with for suggestions. The kiddo thinks she's going to create a whole model of a ranch. *shaking head* Sorry, I'm not planning on glueing THAT MANY toothpicks together. *wink*

Thanks in advance for any help y'all may provide.

Blessings.

Instructions:
1. Go to www.careercruising.com
2. Put in Username: nycareers - Password: landmark
3. Take the 'Career Matchmaker' questions at the upper left corner
4. Post the top 10 (or all 40) results

My Top 10:

1) Postal clerk (ironically, my dad's a postal mechanic)

2) Industrial designer

3) Home Inspector

4) Editor (I think my HS english teacher would agree with this one)

5) Cartoonist, Comic Illustrator

6) Fashion Designer  (once, one of my aspirations, till I realized I couldn't draw worth beans)

7) Costume Designer

8) Health Records Professional

9) Interior Designer (something I actually looked into as a career possibility as a teen)

10) Medical Illustrator

Ironically, being a librarian (what my current choice of career is, if I ever get a chance at the education) isn't even on my top 40 list.  *frown*  Interesting.  I guess it's a good thing I'm not relying on something like this to actually help me find a career.  *wink*

Have a Blessed Day!